September 24, 2024

i took today off to have a mental health day, but it's just turned into a sick day. i suspect this is a case of the letdown effect, which has, indeed, been a letdown. in a couple of days a doctor will peer into my ear and see if i have some kind of infection, or perhaps have something more sinster brewing! whatever the case, i'm sure it will very annoying and expensive to deal with :)

in other news, i notarized my first document today. i also received a couple of cute things shipped from my local marine layer; this particular sweatshirt i am excited to wear--

--in an effort to emulate the immaculate Liv Tyler:

so yeah. maybe that's what i'll wear to my doctor's appointment. i might be experiencing long-covid, but at least i can look like a style icon while i'm at it.

September 21, 2024

happy thing: nice people on the phone

neutral thing: getting work assigned work past 3pm. why?

annoying thing: dogs that bark nonstop. why get a dog if it's not hanging out with you because you leave it outside "because it wants to be outside" but really it's fucking lonely and misses you so it barks and whines and cries for hours because you're a fucking idiot?

thing i'm thinking about: should i buy a walkpad? because i'm lazy but ALSO because i literally can't do most exercise anymore because of my stupid ankle

ps things might be a bit quiet as i "create content," think about how i want this place to look, and the learn how to implement my "vision" etc.! i'm still working on everything, it's all just kinda behind the scenes. so honestly, my life for the foreseeable future is as follows: work, Japanese class, website stuff, and occasionally touching grass

September 15, 2024

things i loved this week: tapping into long-buried happiness, my hair, caprese sandwich from fresh baguette, abura soba from kajiken, vegan carbonara from planta, my husband coming home from his work trip, my yearly trip to marine layer (incoming shirt, sweatshirt, and pants yay), i also bought some woxers that i'm looking forward to, financial stability

things i wouldn't mind less of: the regular aches and pains of growing old, the regular ache in my ankle from falling on it two years ago, humidity and moustache bangs

i really, really hope i'm not jinxing myself, but i don't think i've ever felt the way i do right now. i've felt happy and content, but it always felt surface-level. beneath that was always this seriously baked-in anxiety. the anxiety is definitely still there: for example, i was paralyzed most of this week from doing anything i enjoy because "it's not worth doing anything unless it's done perfectly." but more often than not these days, i think i'm generally Happy with moments of Sadness. which is a HUGE reversal from being generally Sad and Aimless and occassionally experiencing Joy. i feel grateful.

not to say it's never going to get flipped again. of course, something terrible is going to happen and turn my world upside down. i don't know what It is, or when It will happen, but what's amazing is i'm not worrying about It. i'm just going through the motions... which is fine? great, even?

obviously i'm very lucky and very privileged to be born who i am and be where i am now. i don't really want to have to give this disclaimer all the time though. just know that i know that. at the same time, i've done a SHIT ton of work to get to where i am emotionally (and literally). and i'm proud!

my days lately look like this: dabbling in website building and blogging, studying Japanese, becoming a public notary, going to work and studying criminal procedure, eating food i like, talking to people i love, curating my belongings (clothes and house stuff mostly), dipping into different books and reading a few pages, and watching comfort videos/movies. it may not seem like a lot, but it's soooo much more than what i used to do. i think i prided myself on doing very little (just sleeping and eating), which is totally fine for a while, but i like that i want to do things now?? doing things is cool again?? these are truly unprecedented times we live in

i'm also looking forward to our trips to New York (booked) and Japan (yes, again, we are insane)(but not yet booked)! i'm open to food and shopping recommendations, and food and miscellaneous must-do's, respectively <3

September 8, 2024

i kinda started this site so that i could maintain a diary for myself and as a way to connect with people in my life. i want to write about what i'm doing, and what i'm thinking, on a regular basis?

i guess for my first blog postm i'll say that i've always been the kind of person who wants things to be ~*PERFECT*~ and beautiful and popular immediately. and sharing my website before it looks anything near like i want it to is weird, BUT i think the bones are set so that you can see what's coming, and that i can start writing posts as soon as i want. i've missed the part of streaming where i'm connecting with people... not so much the me-being-on-video and talking at you and feeling overwhelmed and feeling like i need to thoughtfully respond to *everything* parts, but the good stuff, yknow?

really quickly: work is going really well, my spouse and i are taking Japanese language lessons, and i love that i am rediscovering about myself that i love learning. it's something that i lost when... honestly, when i moved to america LOL. anyway, more on that some other time.

an August retrospective: we got COVID for the first time (-10/10 would not recommend), recovered (mostly), finally went to Lapis for dinner (10/10 would recommend), and saw mitski (also 10/10, spectacular show and crowd). i can't remember what i was thinking about anymore. mostly about how much covid sucks and i want to wear my mask more often than not. maybe this is when i also started feeling optimistic and hopeful for the first time in a while, perhaps related to the Obama's speeches at the DNC (which i don't usually watch, but when it's Michelle and Barack...).

though i fear i'm about to jinx it, i would like to do weekly diaries but longer-form posts on a feel-like-it-basis. i'm not always thinking things, and even when i am, it takes a while for me to figure out what i'm actually figuring out and how to articulate myself. hopefully it will come easier in writing than live on stream ;; peace out for now